Monday, September 3, 2012

Heartbreak and healing.

If my posts are starting to seem a little sloppy, it's because I am making an effort at leaving my thoughts unfiltered and with limited editing.

Today's theme is heartbreak. I recognize that this in not an exclusively female problem, but a lot of what I am about to say will be more relevant to a woman's perspective.

This is incredibly unoriginal, but I don't care.

I hate the way most guys think. I hate being a second-rate, convenient placeholder in their lives. They haven't found someone worthy of partnership so they use you to fulfill whatever needs he may have, part of it is my age bracket, but a lot of it is permanent douche-bagginess.
I hate to mope, but at this point is seems quite obvious that there is some flaw about me. The way I look, or my personality or both, but there is something about me that makes me secondary, excludes me from common courtesy. I could be politically correct and talk about how everyone is special, but the truth is that some people are more attractive than others, and I am not the cream of the crop and I am so tired of feeling inadequate.

I'm not sure that there is any moral to this story, I think I am just hoping someone will read this and relate to it. There have been two major heartbreaks in my life, both of which have contributed immeasurably to my spoken-about depression, and it makes me angry, and jealous of people, particularly other girls, who have never been affected by this, they exist - I know them. When I say 'contributed' I mean in a humongous, life-changing way; I have a whole new host of new insecurities, I avoid things I used to love because they provide reminders - and this was YEARS go. It's pathetic.

How do you move on? How do you decide not to care?

I have made the unwise decision to stay in touch with my ex, and it kills me. I don't like asking detailed questions about his life because I know he dates other women. It is unhealthy, and I don't know how to rebuild.

I am dying to know what your experiences are, all of my "offline friends" are tired of hearing about it, so I have stopped bringing it up.

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