Thursday, September 27, 2012


Do you actually know anyone who has a functional relationship with a step parent? Because I really don't. I suspect there is an evolutionary device that prevents people from bonding with their partner's children if said children are not, in fact, their own.  I only bring this up because I really, REALLY, cannot stand mine. He is desperate to assert authority in whatever way he can, though he often fails; he was a main source of grief in my adolescence...and is to this day, he belongs in the category of infantile men.

Anyway, enough of that rant. Can we please talk about how hard it is to lose weight? I really feel like the ingredients in food are tainted, because the amount of work i have been doing should have done something by now. Stress doesn't help either, I am sure. I have a few gray hairs too, it's freaking me out. I sound so insecure right now.

Did you know earlier this week ( I believe it was yesterday) was one hit wonder day? Isn't that awesome?? I think my favorite one hit wonder is ... that is actually an excellent question. Nothing is coming to mind. I keep thinking o singers from the 80s, but none of them are technically one-hitters. Meatloaf, Toni Basil, Frankie goes to Hollywood...they all had actual albums didn't they? Maybe not Toni Basil.

Ooh, something irritating: this girl I was talking to today used the phrase "inspiring actor" but based on the context clues I tried to convince her that it was actually "aspiring actor" which she did not believe. It should not have annoyed my as much as it did...but it did. Other people's perception of things really bother me if they are not correct.

I really hope I find a job or win the lottery tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

voting and other things

Issue #1 Voting

I was recently watching Rachel Maddows. And when I say recently I mean a few weeks ago. She was acknowledging the decision many Americans make not to vote, and mentioned that it is the intention of many higher-ups to shrink the number of voters, thus making a single vote count as more. She implicitly convinced us to vote saying that if we choose not to it would be gratifying to these manipulative politicians.
I have to wonder though, if you really don't give a damn, you like or dislike all candidates equally, should you be pressured into voting? Why not leave it to those of us who actively care about issues dependent upon an election. It seems like letting those who care would be more effective at determining a president that the simple "because I can" attitude we have in place now. I love Rachel Maddows, and exercising one's rights is important, but at what price?

Other things: Yesterday I shadowed a door-to-door salesman. it was one of the most exhausting, disheartening things I have ever seen in my life. Many people were superficially nice and smiley. But you could see straight through their thin veil of kindness the urgency to shut the door and go back about their business. Others just slammed the door in our faces. I hate what this says about our culture.
I am guilty of similar behavior, in person, on the phone and everywhere else.
We are so protective of our material (assets we don't always need) that we are willing to forgo basic courtesy to other humans to maintain them. Suspicion is not a bad trait, but I  so wish we could use it sparingly.
We never know if the guy begging for change really is on his last leg and just needs a sandwich, or if he is about to die of heroin withdrawals, either way he needs cash. Maybe the person at the door really can get you a good deal...we don't know because none of us are willing to listen. We may humor one of these people per day, and label it our "good deed" and move on to be an asshole the rest of the time. Those people who slammed the door in my face don't know that I am an aspiring author who will likely write an eerily familiar description of them and their house into my book, similar address and everything.

Let's give being genuinely nice a try, not superficial, saccharin-y sweet gestures that makes us feel better momentarily. Ok? Thanks.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Infantile Men

My most current pet peeve is based upon the number of men I encounter in both the professional world and in my personal life who seem to think it perfectly acceptable to act like a child - I prefer the adjective infantile, as it implies that not only did these men not bother to grow up all the way - they have demonstrated that they have not grown up at all. This has nothing to do with living at home or being semi dependent on your family, to me there is nothing dishonorable about that. This is about being rude, and being okay with being rude. I find that this manifests in two major ways:

First way is in lacking common courtesy. Circumventing pleases, thank yous and excuse mes does not make you appear more authoritative and manly. It makes you look like an awkward asshole who never went to kindergarten. Instead, let's try being polite to everyone, whether or not they are attractive or can make you money, it will get you laid and make everyone less prone to road rage. Got it? Great.

Second display of male childishness - short tempers. This is the big one. Allowing yourself to snap - verbally or physically - is the single most unattractive trait in a man. Making someone feel threatened - particularly a woman or child to whom you are related, is absolutely disgusting. Part of this I understand is cyclic testosterone, and I get that. But most of it is this societal acceptance of a really effed up idea of masculinity. Even though contemporary America is pretty aware of the damages of domestic violence, there still is this permission granted to men to be bossy, to wear the pants, to show anger, rather than be bossed around (dare I suggest that equal negotiation might be best?) Doing this at home and at work - and directing this metaphorical pronouncement of testicular ownership toward women - is definitely a theme I have picked up on in the past few years. This does not apply to all men, to be fair. There are plenty who manage their anger and perceived authority with grace and dignity. But, there a a notable few who ruin it by being totally insecure with themselves.

My request is this: those of you who lose your mind over little things and turn toward a woman, who you likely look at as the path of least resistance toward an emotional punching bag, need to get your shit together, because it is not okay. I hate the idea of playing the victim, but the fact is that these bullies exist in full force, and their asses need to be whipped into shape.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

debt and the toll it takes

Firstly, sorry about going AWOL, I had a really rough week.

I hope any readers I have took time to remember those lost eleven years ago today.
Down to business,
I am in debt. probably only about  $2,000 worth, but it's enough that I can't sleep at night, especially since I am unemployed, and said amount does not include impending student loan payments. 

What makes this all so interesting is that I used to be very fiscally conservative, and think that a free market economy was the moral ideal - I am not longer sure I think this way. I can't help but feel a lustful jealousy creep inside me as I read about these decadent celebrities getting paid absurd amounts of money, amounts no one could possibly need, while I am breaking my back to make ends meet.   

Now, if I were to win the lottery, would I still feel this new burning liberalism? I don't rightly know, I think it's safe to say I am not a communist, I understand different roles take different skill sets, and not all are equal. But I do think I am socialist-leaning. I cannot, for example, understand why we have a socialized military but not a socialized health care system (we'll see how obamacare fairs). 

But there needs to be higher minimum wage, and more jobs need to be created. Something has got to be done, because if I watch one more episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians and see how much money they make to be functionally retarded on camera I am going to go ballistic. 

Should there be a cap on total salary earned? I tend to think so, we cannot allow the 1% to stockpile all our resources while the rest of the world squirms for them.

I may be exaggerating a little when I say "squirms for them," this is not to say I think rich people are bad; people are successful generally because they work hard, or at least work intelligently. And there is nothing wrong with having a bit of a discrepancy between the rich and the poor, it happens, we get it. But this outrageous gap that we have right now really needs to be curbed, and fast. I'm not talking about the Bill Gateses of the world who are inventive and make their money that way. I am talking about people who are salaried- if your earnings are not based on sales, and you make millions of dollars a year, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? What magic abilities do you have that the rest of us can't learn?  Can you maybe decide to accept ONLY  a million or two? What is it that some of these big CEOs are doing with a $25 million salary? Building a bridge to the moon? I just let my anger stew when I think about the education their children will get, the vacations they take, the clothes they wear, boats, planes, cars, the list goes on.

All this is my way of saying, once again, that life is kicking my ass, and I think others are having a hard time too.



Monday, September 3, 2012

Heartbreak and healing.

If my posts are starting to seem a little sloppy, it's because I am making an effort at leaving my thoughts unfiltered and with limited editing.

Today's theme is heartbreak. I recognize that this in not an exclusively female problem, but a lot of what I am about to say will be more relevant to a woman's perspective.

This is incredibly unoriginal, but I don't care.

I hate the way most guys think. I hate being a second-rate, convenient placeholder in their lives. They haven't found someone worthy of partnership so they use you to fulfill whatever needs he may have, part of it is my age bracket, but a lot of it is permanent douche-bagginess.
I hate to mope, but at this point is seems quite obvious that there is some flaw about me. The way I look, or my personality or both, but there is something about me that makes me secondary, excludes me from common courtesy. I could be politically correct and talk about how everyone is special, but the truth is that some people are more attractive than others, and I am not the cream of the crop and I am so tired of feeling inadequate.

I'm not sure that there is any moral to this story, I think I am just hoping someone will read this and relate to it. There have been two major heartbreaks in my life, both of which have contributed immeasurably to my spoken-about depression, and it makes me angry, and jealous of people, particularly other girls, who have never been affected by this, they exist - I know them. When I say 'contributed' I mean in a humongous, life-changing way; I have a whole new host of new insecurities, I avoid things I used to love because they provide reminders - and this was YEARS go. It's pathetic.

How do you move on? How do you decide not to care?

I have made the unwise decision to stay in touch with my ex, and it kills me. I don't like asking detailed questions about his life because I know he dates other women. It is unhealthy, and I don't know how to rebuild.

I am dying to know what your experiences are, all of my "offline friends" are tired of hearing about it, so I have stopped bringing it up.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Panic, Anxiety, Depression

Today's post touches on the topic of mental health, or lack thereof.

As always I will say my two bits and invite others to share their experiences/knowledge/opinions, if they care to.

My first experiences with anxiety occurred when I was in the first grade, I believe I had just turned seven. I began having waves of panic, often they were related to religious themes...going to hell for sin etc, other times they manifested as hypochondria - I was convinced I had AIDS and many different types of cancers at various times in my grade school career.

Puberty was also unkind to my neurotransmitters. I began having what I can now recognize as depressive episodes at age 11, crying fits and feelings of hopelessness which only got worse up through high school.
The guilt and fear of disease was not replaced, it acted in rotation with the new depression.

When I was eighteen I began dabbling with drug use, which is the worst thing you can do if you get anxious or depressed. This is when I began having legitimate panic attacks. This was no longer just feelings of preoccupation, this was me feeling like I should call the hospital.  Pounding heart, tingling limbs, and an inexplicable sense that I was removed from myself. I sought help from a doctor in the form of SSRIs,which did help, but I am still not back to where I was before.

Here's the thing, before these anxiety attacks happened, I had learned to cope with the other forms my depression took. I had managed to bolster myself into a pretty fearless individual; there were very few things I was afraid to do.  But, since that fateful period in my freshman year of college, I have gone through all sorts of phases with this anxiety; it has weakened me in ways I never though possible. I would panic while driving... being in a bar at night, even with trusted friends and family, made me so incredibly uncomfortable: partially because being in an unfamiliar place was more unsettling than it had been, but I had also developed the fear of being poisoned, and if you think that sounds like paranoia, I'm pretty sure you're correct. I was bordering on agoraphobia as well.

I am now 24 years old, and it has gotten better, I have learned to calm myself in most situations. I am not 100% recovered though, and I don't know if I ever will be.

I have learned my limits with substances. I do drink a bit, but everything else does not sit well with my brain chemistry. This is not a cautionary tale about drug use, I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back, but not the root cause. If you choose to use recreational drugs, that is your business.

I am terrified. Most of my friends and family know I have this problem, or at least have some vague idea. A lot of them think I am a drag because of it, which obviously hurts my feelings because I don't want to be, and I really did used to be so much fun. I wish more than anything I could go back to confident person I was before. But, I am doing my best to be optimistic, and hope for the best everyday.

I will likely do a part two to this focusing more on the depression than the anxiety.

If you have any advice, or questions or comments, please do share.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Religion (uh oh)

To be clear, my posts are never intended to hurt or ridicule anyone. When I write these blog posts, it is because I have stumbled upon a topic that interests me/has interested me. Today I am just going to state my viewpoint.

I grew up catholic. When I got into college I gave nondenominational Christianity a shot. This is not coming from someone who has never been exposed to organized religion, I have; I have been baptized, reconciled and confirmed. I know what I am talking about.  Recently it has occurred to me what Christianity actually is. Someone hands you a book and says "this is the word of god, live your life by it," you flip through it, maybe get a warm fuzzy, and just take people's word for it that that is directly from god, nothing has been lost in translation, there have been no edits, no politics, just God. I know now that that idea is pretty much crap. There are many versions of the bible for those reasons. The first testament began as oral tradition which was eventually consolidated, and the gospels were written decades after Jesus' death. The first version of the bible was not compiled until the 5th century at Nicea. People might argue that we take other ancient text with the same amount of seriousness. Aristotle, for example. And that's true, the difference is that Aristotle didn't necessarily make outrageous claims, he simply presented logical reasoning. No one is asking you to base your life on Homer and Aristotle the way they are the Bible. I am not as familiar about the history of the Qur'an, but I would take that and various Buddhist texts with the same grain of salt.    

Now, I sit in the categories of agnostic and/or religious pluralist. I know that that sounds wish-washy and annoys the shit out of people, but I don't care. My reason for this viewpoint is that I feel like there is no way, at this point in human existence, of being sure what exists and doesn't exist. You could say there is no solid proof of the existence of God, and you would be right about that, but that doesn't mean that there isn't one or several entities in the universe that embodies one or a few of the characteristics we traditionally attribute to God. There is nothing we know about the origins of the universe that can totally deny the existence of a deity, so it makes no sense to me to actively disbelieve something; atheism isn't for me.
It also happens that I think most world religions have some nugget of truth in their messages, some more than others maybe, but that doesn't matter.

I have also heard the argument many times that in order to live more fully you must discount the possibility of an afterlife. That has never been the case for me, I take the most comfort in ambiguity. It's not that I am counting on an afterlife for my second chance, but if I focus exclusively on the fact that this is my one shot, I am not inspired, I get depressed and think about death. So I just try not to obsess either way, I just say "is what it is".

As always, comments are encouraged

What are your thoughts on Spirituality and why?